Life is full of trials and tribulations and we learn to navigate the rough waters as we go. One thing I don't know that life could ever prepare you for or make you understand is addiction. I've been dealing with addiction for most of my life. I've watched a family member head down this road for over a decade with refusal for any type of help. It's not out of lack of trying to help, but for refusal to accept help on their part. It's heartbreaking. It's like watching a car accident in slow motion and you know the end result isn't going to be good.
The last few weeks things have taken a nose dive and it's just bad. I don't know how else to put it. Not that it was ever really good. I find myself lost in this world of chaos and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix it because I can't fix it. This is something they have to fix and they have no plan on doing so.
What I don't understand is how someone will continually choose something over being a part of my life and my daughter's life. The fact that a little beer can is more important than any life event like my wedding, my pregnancy, and the birth of my daughter. Those moments you can't get back, and you can't make up for it later. I've been fed plenty of empty promises of a brighter tomorrow only to end up here, heartbroken and angry.
I've spent my days with tears in my eyes and a pit in my stomach. As much as I don't want to, I have to walk away. I have exhausted every fiber of my being to provide help with no avail. I have to walk away for my sanity, for my heart, and for my family. I will always hold the faint memories of my beautiful childhood as a reminder that things were once good in the grim reality of today. I will make it my mission as a Mother to make sure that my daughter will never known the pain of addiction. I hope she will one day understand why you could not be a part of her life. I'll be okay, but you are missing the most amazing little girl grow up because an aluminum can is more important. I know it's a disease, and I sincerely hope that before it's too late, you decide you want to get well.
Today I begin to heal. I begin to accept that my efforts won't change anything. Today, I move forward without you.
And despite all of this, I know I still live a blessed life.
You are so so strong for writing this. So many people will be able to relate to this. I too come from a family with a lot of addiction. My immediate family and extended family is filled with addicts who have been struggling for years, and those who have found comfort in sobriety. I'm so blessed that my mom chose to be sober when she found out she was pregnant with me and has been sober ever since. Having loved ones struggle with addiction is so tragic, devastating, and trying. It will never make sense. It's so difficult for those of us that want them to be better more than they do. Years ago alanon help me get to the point where I am today. If you haven't tried, it might be helpful. I don't go anymore but continue to use the tools they taught me. I will be praying for you, your family, and your loved one.
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I'm so sorry for what you are going through Jen. My Aunt died last year at the age of 52 due to her being an alcoholic. She left behind 3 beautiful children one of which just had a little girl. It breaks my heart and is such a sad thing because it starts as a choice. Praying for you as you try to step away from this. XO
ReplyDeleteI have tears reading this. I'm so sorry for what you've been going through, I can't even imagine. Here's a big ol blog hug to you!!
ReplyDeletePrayers and thoughts are headed your way for healing and strength! I'm so sorry you're going through this!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so very brave for opening up, but this is your first step in healing. I too come from a family of addicts so can relate. It's a heartbreaking and confusing. I dont pretend to have the answers but you're doing the right thing by separating yourself and doing whats best for you and your family. I've attended a few classes and based on my experience, setting boundaries is very important in not only your healing but in the relationship management of the addict as well. Without boundaries, it's very easy to let the addiction rule your life and ultimately consume you- so good for you for taking this first step in your healing. I wish I had a better answer but the best therapy is talking to others who are dealing with something similar and as you're seeing, it effects more people that you know. Sending strength and prayers your way. Hope that sweet baby girl helps keep you distracted and put things into perspective.
ReplyDeleteAddiction is a jerk and I am sorry you are having to experience it. We can only learn from others mistakes and it seems you are having to learn to let go. I hope it's no too late before this person realizes all the amazingness they are missing.
ReplyDeleteWhile i have no idea who you're talking about (which isn't the point), all I want to say ism I hope it gets better, you're a strong woman and a good mother. Addiction is very hard to deal with, especially the ones closest to you. You have to make the best decision for you, and your family (husband and daughter). You will get through this, and you'll heal. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteliz @ sundays with sophie