My Postpartum Self: Uncensored

I tossed around the idea of writing about my postpartum experience for days now.  Motherhood is such a finicky club to be a part of ... you have moms who rally with you when you openly air hardships and then you have the moms who will judge every last fiber of your being as a mother.  The "Judgmental Judy's" have kept me in turmoil over this post ... but I promised myself from the beginning that I would be completely honest on this journey, even if that meant saying what others are afraid to openly admit on the topic of pregnancy and motherhood.  So ladies (and gents?), allow me to introduce my postpartum self.

Three weeks ago my life was forever changed.  We welcomed a perfectly healthy baby girl into this world.  Some days those three weeks seem like it was just yesterday and other days it seems like an eternity ago.  Pregnancy and labor have nothing on the roller coaster of a journey you take post baby.  Society says that we as mothers are supposed to be robotic super-moms who reside on cloud 9 and produce enough milk to breastfeed an orphanage.  Why?!!  Why is it not okay to admit that you will probably cry harder than your newborn the first week of his/her life? ... Hell, I cried for two weeks. #noshame  Why can't you say that breastfeeding is hard and that it does not define you as a mother if you choose not to do it?  Why is it so horrible to admit that you had the thought process of questioning having a baby?  These things do not make you a terrible mother.  They make you an honest mother ... something too many women are afraid to be in fear of not being the kind of mother society expects.

These are a few things from Camp Brown that you might expect postpartum:

- Crying.  Lots of it ... and its not limited to any specific instance.  I dropped a cookie on the floor and I was just so exhausted I didn't want to pick it up ... cue water works.  I cried more postpartum than I did my entire pregnancy.  You'll cry over everything, its okay because guess what?!  You are not alone.  There are moms that cried this much before you and there will be plenty of new moms that will cry this much after you.

- Breastfeeding is hard.  Like, really hard.  If breastfeeding didn't come as a challenge to you then thank your lucky stars.  If breastfeeding is a real challenge for you ... do NOT feel bad or ill-equipped as a mother.  Between latching, feeding schedules, milk supply, and pure exhaustion on both parties ... breastfeeding is quite the challenging task.  Breastfeeding is not for everyone and you are not a terrible mother if you choose not to or simply can't do it.  I struggled with breastfeeding ... I didn't enjoy it. GASP!  Yep, I said it ... I did not enjoy the skin to skin contact of breastfeeding my child.  It brought a sense of sadness over me that I couldn't shake and I wasn't connecting with my baby like I should ... and thanks to those "Judgmental Judy's" I felt horrible that breastfeeding  made me feel that way ... cue more tears.  Once I got my head out of the guilty-filled clouds and understood that this did not affect my capabilities as a mother, I was able to come to a decision that fit for our family.  I'm proud to say that my decision has resulted in a happy baby, as well as, a happy Momma.  Because I'm honest to a fault, I will share that I decided to exclusively pump for my baby so she still receives nutrients from Momma ... but because every woman is different ... I do supplement with formula as I'm working on strengthening my milk supply, which is a challenge all its own.

- You will dislike your body.  I mean, Hello! You just had a baby!  Still ... knowing you just gave birth does not help you feel any better about your postpartum body.  Between all the post-birth business going on on the inside ... the outside doesn't represent itself well either.  It's a slow process but I'm slowly learning to love my new self.  I know that there is nothing I can do until I'm cleared to workout from the doctor ... until then, I look at myself and have learned to love every scar, stitch, and incision knowing that I provided a safe home for my baby behind that pudgy, unkempt belly.  Giving birth to a healthy baby totally beats 6 pack abs in my book.  Besides, the pudgy belly isn't forever.

It took me a couple of weeks to really own postpartum and to understand that it is absolutely 100% okay to feel the feelings that are not fluffy clouds, rainbows, and unicorns.  I can now confidently say that I was a wreck postpartum and I have no shame in the way that my body and mind handled the transition into motherhood.  The only thing I wish I could change is the fact that I wish someone would've have been completely honest with me pre-birth about how postpartum can affect you.  That is the reason for this post ... I felt completely blind-sided by these feelings only to find out after the fact that its incredibly normal to feel this way.  However, if these symptoms last longer than a couple of weeks you should speak to your doctor as these feelings can easily transition to postpartum depression (PPD) which can affect 1 in 7 mothers.

If there is one last piece of advice I could offer, I would say to make sure you surround yourself with people who will support you.  My husband deserves a million gold stars for being an amazing support system through all of this.  My Doctor and Mykenzi's Pediatrician have also been great sources of support.  And lastly, other new moms.  They will be your saving grace ... they understand exactly what you're going through because they are deep in the trenches with you.

Well, there it is ... all the things you aren't supposed to say about postpartum.  I know I'll have some who will rally behind this post and others who will completely take this to pin me as a terrible mother.  I have no shame in anything that you read above ... it's all a part of my journey into motherhood.  Even in moments of weakness, there is absolutely no other job in the world I would rather be doing than being Mykenzi's Mom.  That little girl is my world and while the road is tough at times ... I'm thankful I was chosen to guide her through life.

Seriously, how could I not love being her Mom?!  The road is tough, but what's life without a little struggle?  And it's true what they say ... It's totally worth it.

Until next time ...