I'm Not a Quitter

Oh, Motherhood.  It's closing in on 15 weeks and I feel like I could write a novel on my experiences.  The most trying of them all was breastfeeding.  I Googled Breastfeeding up one side and down the other while I was pregnant.  I was going to be prepared for anything it threw at me.  I was prepared for the good, I was prepared for the bad, and I was prepared for the ugly ... I, however, was not prepared for D-MER.

What's D-MER you ask?  I'll get to that in a second.  Let me start by giving you a little back story.

My breastfeeding journey has been quite the doozy.  I know I've mentioned it a couple of times in previous posts but today I'm getting into the nitty gritty of it all.  All started well, Mykenzi was born, she latched like a champ, and we were sent on our merry way to start as a family of three at home.  It took almost a week for my milk to drop.  When you have a c-section your body tends to miss the memo, delaying production a little bit.  When my milk finally dropped is when the problem started.  Not only was breastfeeding painful but for me, it was also heartbreaking.  As soon as I would get Mykenzi to latch, she would start feeding and I would start crying.  I could never explain what exactly it was I was crying about ... I just knew I felt sad.  As soon as she was done nursing the cloud of doom would lift and we would go on about our day.  I attributed these feelings to Postpartum ... I was already a wreck, surely the blues I felt while nursing were part of the postpartum process.  I cowered behind breastfeeding and didn't dare mention what I was feeling publicly in fear of being judged.  My friends didn't have any pain associated with breastfeeding, I couldn't bring myself to say not only did I experience pain and discomfort, but I also found myself in tears every time my baby latched.  I did confide in a fellow new mother sharing in some pains of the process but I knew my breastfeeding journey was headed on a different path when she didn't share the sadness upon latching. It had been 4 weeks since Mykenzi was born and I was still in a puddle of tears each nursing session.  My husband finally asked me to make an appointment with my Doctor to discuss Postpartum Depression, so I did.  My Doctor asked me how motherhood was going and I said, "I love it!" all while bursting into tears.  Convincing, right?  I started telling him what I was dealing with and he said all  my signs sounded like normal postpartum feelings.  He didn't feel like the sadness with breastfeeding was Postpartum Depression, but he also couldn't tell me why I was doing that.  He said some women just can't breastfeed, and that was okay.  We discussed back and forth for a little while and he helped me come to terms with the decision to quit breastfeeding.

Leaving the Doctor's office I felt defeated, yet like a weight had been lifted.  It was nice to finally talk to someone about the difficulties I faced with breastfeeding, but I still couldn't help but feel like I failed my baby because I couldn't hack it.  I quit for a total of 18 hours.  It was the fussiest 18 hours of my life.  Mykenzi had always been supplemented with formula, but was not taking the transition to full formula well at all.  It broke me.  I hurt me more to watch her cry than it did for me to cry during feedings, so I broke down and pumped every last drop I had accumulated the last 18 hours.  While the feelings were still there, pumping seemed to lessen the intensity and Mykenzi turned back into my happy baby.  I couldn't ignore the fact that her mood was better with breastmilk in her life and that's when I refused to quit.  I wasn't going to let this beat me.  I chose to pump every feeding, which was super exhausting.  I spent the previous 18 hours with cabbage leaves and doing everything I could to dry my milk supply, so I really threw my supply for a loop when I started to pursue breastfeeding again.  I pumped for 4 weeks, getting the tiniest amounts of milk.  I researched for days on ways to increase my supply, but pumping just wasn't doing the job.  Fenugreek, teas, oatmeal, lactation cookies, and even extra pumping, I just couldn't get my supply where it needed to be.  The only thing left and proven to work was letting your baby latch to increase production.  Mykenzi was 8 weeks old and in the world of breastfeeding it had been the longest 8 weeks of my life.  I knew I had to give it every last shot before ultimately quitting, so I let Mykenzi latch.

For Mykenzi, it was like she never missed a day of latching.  It made me happy to see her do what we should have been doing from birth.  I sat there staring at her in awe.  I couldn't believe how much we had gone through in the last 8 weeks, and how stressful the subject of feeding her was ... then it dawned on me, she was lacthed and I wasn't sad.  I swear in that  moment I heard angels singing, "Hallelujah!"  Just to make sure it wasn't a fluke I let her latch for her next feeding and no tears, no sadness.  It was glorious.  I was happy, she was happy, and ultimately, I was happy she was happy.

It wasn't until a week later I was introduced to kellymom.com, a site full of great information regarding breastfeeding.  It was then I discovered D-MER.  D-MER or Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex result in feelings of depression, anxiety, agitation, or anger upon milk let-down.  It had explained exactly what I had been feeling all those weeks before.  Inappropriate drops in dopamine levels upon milk let-down cause these feelings.  Finally, an answer ... and it wasn't because I was just a crazy person.  It was amazing so many other moms felt this way too.  I felt so alone for weeks and finally I found a safe place where other women were dealing with the same nightmare.  Thankfully, D-MER doesn't last forever in most cases and starts to taper of around the three month mark.

It has been about 6 weeks since I let Mykenzi latch again and our breastfeeding journey has done a complete turn-around.  I can feel the bond when we latch and it makes me so happy I'm finally providing for her.  She was always a good baby, but she is a much happier baby since we started nursing again.  My milk supply is finally where it needs to be and everything is just happening so naturally.  The most rewarding feeling of all is knowing, I'm not a quitter!

I hope I haven't rambled too much, and if you've gotten this far thanks for reading my story.  This has been extremely difficult and I finally felt confident enough to share what went on behind Instagram photos, Facebook statuses, and Blog posts.   Who knows, maybe someone reading this has felt the same way too and was left with no answers.

If you suspect you are feeling this way or have felt this way here are some great resources regarding D-MER:

D-MER.org is a website devoted to information about Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex

Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) from the Australian Breastfeeding Association

D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex): What is it? by Alia Macrina Heise, fromBreastfeeding Today, Issue 4 (November 2010), pp. 18-20.

When breastfeeding causes bad feelings: Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. An interview with Alia Macrina Heise

Heise AM, Wiessinger D. Dysphoric milk ejection reflex: A case report. Int Breastfeed J. 2011 Jun 6;6(1):6.

Cox S. A case of dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER). Breastfeed Rev. 2010 Mar;18(1):16-8.

Resources courtesy of kellymom.com

I'd like to end this post by saying that I am no expert on the subject of breastfeeding.  I simply did what I, as a mother, thought was right for my little girl.  I did not want to quit unless I exhausted every option and my heart hurts for the mothers who simply could not breastfeed their child.  I was so heartbroken when I was faced with the decision to quit and I hope the Mothers that couldn't breastfeed know that they are NOT failures.  Breastfeeding is by far THE hardest thing I have ever done.  It wasn't without a long, hard battle that I finally won the fight.  

Thanks for reading, friends! Hope you all enjoy your weekend.