WTF, My Child is Broken

As a new mother, emails from Baby Center or What to Expect are life-savers.  They give you the run down on what you're supposed to be implementing into the baby's routine and what to expect from their skills and behavior at any particular age.  Also, Mom friends are great because they can offer real life experiences on those things and give great suggestions on different strategies that might work or help make the transition of these new things a little easier.

Here are 4 times Baby Center, What to Expect, and Mom Friends totally had me like, "WTF, My Child is Broken."

1.  Solid Foods

At 6 months you are supposed to start transitioning to solid foods and shortly thereafter, small chunks of food.  While most moms were on to teething biscuits and Cheerios, I was still trying to get my child to understand that hands were for picking up food.  For MONTHS she was face first into her highchair tray.  Oh sure, the first month it was completely adorable that she didn't want to use her hands, but after the second month I was fairly certain my child was broken. #youredoingitwrong

2.  Sippy Cup Training

In addition to solid foods, you are supposed to implement sippy cup training.  Sounds fairly simple, right?  That's what I thought too.  Figuring handles would be the easiest transition, I went on a sippy cup shopping spree.  Weeks were flying by and this child of mine would not tip the cup to drink.  Instead, sippy cups were her own personal shaker and often times found themselves as missiles being launched across the room.  Meanwhile, Susie TooBigForHerBritches has graduated to a sippy cup designed well before the recommended age.  Cool, my child will drink from a bottle forever and is obviously broken.  

3.  Pacifier Games

Okay, Okay, so this one miiiight be my fault.  But, everyone is always telling you to find games to engage in with your child.  Soothie Pacifiers basically advertise that you are supposed to rip the child's pacifier out of their mouth with your teeth by that little tab that sticks out.  I mean, what else would that tab be for?  Mykenzi LOVES that game, except I might've taken it too far one day when I played "Peek-a-Boo" with the pacifier and housed the whole thing in my mouth. Now she SHOVES the thing in your mouth to make it "disappear."  and after months of, "No!" and "That's not nice." or "That's not how we play." I've come to the conclusion that I broke my child. 

4. Crawling & Walking

Mykenzi started "rocking" before the crawl fairly early, and I say early because it was before I ever received an email update she should be doing so.  We thought we were going to have an early crawler for sure.  Well, Mykenzi "rocked" for months and never crawled.  She eventually graduated to scooting with her head on the floor.  After that, crawling definitely had to be in the future.  I mean Baby Center said so!  Well, 12 emails later that said your baby should be zooming across the house, yet she wasn't, I was sure my child was broken.  After an encouraging Doctor's Visit that suggested she may not ever crawl and go straight to walking, I thought my child was fixed again.  Except now the emails were talking about walking and that's when she decided she was ready to crawl for real. Shortly after that, walking definitely had to be on the horizon, she was pulling up everywhere, emails were saying so, and friends with younger babies were already walking. Surely, Mykenzi was next.  I worked and worked on walking with Mykenzi.  What did I get? A child who would collapse as soon as you let go of her hands and thought it was the most hilarious thing ever.  Figuring it was a phase and pissed off that emails said we should be well into walking, I just knew ... my child was broken.

Thankfully, as much as I was sure she was broken, she's not.  She thinks eating straight from the tray is easier than using her hands. I can't blame her, she has actually eliminated an extra step. Smart girl.  She hates sippy cups with handles and still can't tip them back, but is a pro at any cup without handles.  (Who knew?!)  I've learned that she can take directions literally, so we will definitely be watching what future games we come up with.  This is also a fair warning to all our friends.  If Mykenzi wants to share her pacifier with you, be prepared for it to "disappear."  And last, who needs to crawl when you scoot on your head just fine?  And all those months of working on walking paid off.  While I was sitting on the couch stuffing my face with Oreos, she let go of the coffee table and took off on her own.  

Nope, not broken at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's telling me to back off! She'll do things when, where, and how she wants.

Duly noted, Mykenzi.